i gotta confess

moving and moustaches

2008-11-17T21:54:22Z

I just moved into my new place. It's so far it is the nicest place I've ever lived in. I guess I've never really been too high maintenance, so i never really cared. Kristin picked it out, and after living in the place we were at for a year, a dishwasher and a microwave sounded awesome. I feel like I'm living in a hotel sometimes. I'm glad to have moved, but i miss my old neighborhood.

I've been trying to keep busy. I just got a membership to the climbing gym last month. rocks and ropes. I really like it. I'm going to get my own shoes and harness soon. It's getting nice enough out to ride my bike more now. My uncle is coming in this month and we're doing the tour de tucson together. he's doing the whole 109 miles cause he's a bad ass. I'm only doing the 35 mile part.

it's been 8 months since i started hormones. I'm starting to get furry everywhere. it's pretty cool, but odd. My voice is all deep now. I should be changing my name soon. when i get the money together.

i miss my friends in Ohio still, very much. I'm ready for another visit.

slowly but surely

2008-06-11T22:42:45Z

so it's been like 2 months since i started hormones. The changes are really slow, and it's hard to notice most of the time. My voice cracks every now and then. which is kind of annoying, but funny. A little bit of dark fuzz has started on my chin and the sides of my lips. Oh, and I'm not sure if it's the weather here, or that I'm just sweating a lot. Maybe a combination. I've gotten to where i give myself my own shot. Which i never thought i could do. It's really not that bad. I'll be changing my name when i get back from Ohio. Work is stressful as always, but I'm getting by. I'm looking forward to going home and seeing friends. It's been too long since I've seen them. My motorcycle is still dismantled in the kitchen. I finally got the carb insulators for it, but have since started redoing the wiring. I think it'll be pretty bad ass though when it's done.

blah

2008-05-19T08:16:36Z

venting is good.

work sucks, i miss my friends, it's hot as fuck out... i wanna go home.

grr

2008-05-01T18:01:57Z

I've been on hormones now for about 5 weeks. I have a whole new respect for teenage boys. I've never been so frustrated in my life.

So excuse me if I'm more a.d.d. that usual, or humping your leg.

man juice

2008-04-03T01:48:44Z

I just got my first shot of hormones. My butt's a little sore, but i'm pretty excited.

I'm also doing security for the trans convention that's here in town. the shirts you wear are kind of gay, but i get a cool walkie talkie.

Oh, and my shop has a booth at the convention and i'll be working at that till Saturday, poking needles in people. Sometimes... Tucson can be a pretty cool town.

yay! i'm a llama!

2008-03-28T18:35:47Z

I got my blood work done last week, and my letter from my therapist. Soooo, next week i should be getting my first shot of hormones. i'm nervous and essited.

i also decided to have Kristin tattoo a little bullseye on my ass where i get my shots.

yay for butt tattoos and hormones.

updater potater

2008-03-24T18:04:05Z

I'm living in Tucson now. It's okay. We have a nice little place. right over the flight path of the stupid air national guard. It's cool seeing all the planes, but sometimes it can get loud. I don't work for my dad anymore. I started working at Majestik in December. I get to poke people with needles. it's fun most times.

I just saw the doctor last week. I did my blood work finally, and if everything looks good i should be starting hormones in a week or so. I started getting the paperwork together for getting my name changed too. It's going to be about 200 bucks. yay.

i'm without my license right now, so that sucks. I ride my bike a lot now, which is good. I got a motorcycle, and am in the process of fixing it up. Which works out with the whole no license thing.

I've had horrible allergy's the past few weeks, and am hating the desert right now. I've gotten a couple new tattoos. a cock hanging below my knee, a honey bee, and a puffer dog fish.

i let one of the apprentices pierce my eyebrows, and now have a black eye. which apparently looks bad ass, especially when i'm bowling.

i still miss home. i'll be visiting in june though. Kristin and i have also been talking about moving to Columbus or somewhere close. But things change on a daily basis for me, and nothing goes as planned.

i'll try to post some recent pictures soon.

homesick

2008-01-20T05:13:15Z

Don't get me wrong... i love tucson. the people here are great, i love my job, i love the community here. But i've come to realize all the familiar parts of my life are gone. I miss my friends, i miss green trees, i miss rivers, hell i miss the snow and freezing rain. I know i needed this move to grow.. but these growing pains hurt. i see now.. when people left dayton... and ended up coming back a few months later why. home is where the heart is.. and my heart is not in tucson.

that... and i'm sick and fucking tired of not being able to breath.

oh, and i just realized i have no gay friends here. trans friends.. but no gay friends.. how weird is that?

k... just venting and being homesick. i miss.

doing the happy dance

2007-09-11T23:49:30Z

So i found a doctor and finally made an appointment for the end of this month. Hopefully it won't be too much longer and i'll be on my way to starting T. It's funny how happy that makes me.

dayton... i'll miss you.

2007-06-21T02:07:17Z

but most of all... i'll miss my friends. who are family to me.

mmm.. boobies

2007-04-24T15:04:47Z

so i never really update anymore. I get on, read what's going on with friends, think about writing something and it's either no time, or i never really know what to say. maybe i know exactly what to say.. but honesty is something people don't like hearing most times.

I'm still in dayton, it's gotten better now that the warm weather is here. i just had fud @ blue byrd do a couple pieces on me. finally got my mommas boy tattoo.. and a 937 on my other arm. And yesterday josh did this amazing skull with blood waves and green laser eyes. i'll have to post pictures later. I've been spending most of my time working at sub house, boxing, or working out at drakes. John is letting me take care of the place 3 days a week in return for classes. I started saturday going to the competitive boxing classes. Lets just say my whole body is still sore. got my hair long enough to shave it back into a mohawk. being that 3 or so months ago i shaved my whole head. I also started fixing up this awesome old bicycle. I'm putting new bearings in it and new paint job and such. It's going to be ketchup and mustard color. I'm way esssited about it.

I'm not going to portland anymore. big surprize in me changing my plans right? i still want to go.. horribly. As of right now i'd like to get out of dayton. My sister is staying in Tucson for a while longer and is looking for a roommie, so here i am. I really like tucson, and am excited to go. I'm going to miss everyone in dayton horribly. This is pretty much become my home, more than phoenix has ever been. I don't plan on staying in Tucson too long. I'll be close to my family, but not too close. and i'm sure in a year or so, i'll be ready to get the hell out of dodge. I'd really love to save up to buy a run down house somewhere close to portland to fix up and sell.

I've also decided that when i move, unless i can do it sooner, i'm going to start taking T. I've thought crazy long and hard on this decision and it's one that i know i want. Anyone who really knows me shouldn't see this as much of a shock. I've gotten comfortable enough to talk about it openly.. and will not get butt hurt if you ask me about it. just don't be a jerk, cause i've gotten good at being a jerk back.

So i've wasted enough time online already. i should be getting ready. i'll have to post pictures of the new tattoos and such later.

lilnakdme @ 2007-02-19T18:52:00

2007-02-20T00:08:36Z

i write things to get them out.. erase them.. so people don't see. and somehow i somewhat manage to feel better... but not really.

lilnakdme @ 2006-08-31T11:46:00

2006-08-31T15:52:15Z

I think the only reason i get on here any more is to see what is going on with my friends. That and see all Jason sho green's new artwork and such. I flipped a coin the other day. decided to go to portland and not stop in phoenix for a few months before. So i guess there's a plus to that. I'll be in dayton longer and be able to save up, and hang out with friends. That and i won't have to worry about getting stressed out and disappointed with my family.. mainly my dad.. if i go home. Although i think the thing that's really going to suck about not going back to phoenix.. is that i won't be there to hang out with some of my really good friends... and i miss them already. Boxing starts in 10 min's... so i believe i should get going.

3am

2006-08-11T16:31:00Z

i thought for a long time about questions... realizing there isn't one for me.

i want the answer that comes without a question.

lilnakdme @ 2006-07-22T17:36:00

2006-07-22T21:45:23Z

well... after being unemployed for about a month now. I got a job. And for once.. it's not a cable job, or working for my dad. I am happy to say i'll be delivering food for sub house on brown st. And although this sounds like a shitty job, i am quite excited. I'm hoping i'll be able to keep all my piercings in.

i'm supposed to go camping tonight. i don't think i have a ride. and it looks as if it's gonna rain. On the other hand, Up on Main is having a drag king show. And although it's too late to perform, it would be fun to dress up and watch.

tonight... dying my hair blue and playing nintendo. i just got super contra and somehow still remember the cheat codes. yes!

summer days...

2006-07-10T17:55:46Z

So far... summer's going well. i'm jobless and missing my partner in crime... which really sucks. But i'm outside a lot. And if it'll not rain on kristin's days off... we just might get to go camping. that or i'll eventually say fuck it and camp in the rain. Camping in the rain is always fun if i recall. There's this awesome train bridge off the bike path, and it's the perfect place to sit and chill and fish. although i never catch anything. Jade has showed us this awesome place in medway at mad river that has a rope swing. And i've gone twice.. cold water and all. I've almost got my bicycle done. Rachel gave me this sweet red bike with baskets. but no gears. so i've stripped an old bike i had of everything and put it on mine. all i need is new cables for the gears and brakes. I really want to find or make something for the front basket to seatbelt marybelle into so she can come on rides with me. well, i believe that i'll be packing up a small lunch and a michelle tea book and heading down to carillon bells park for lunch. and hopefully it won't start raining on my way home.

and just because...

Type your cut contents here.
shannon carrying emily though the river

me.... floating.

my niece sara

emily jumping

me... about to jump

i love this one... my sisters boyfriend jerry.. mid air. yee haw.

emily cleaning rocks and shannon fishing

lilnakdme @ 2006-06-29T17:32:00

2006-06-29T21:32:39Z

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

lilnakdme @ 2006-06-29T14:52:00

2006-06-29T19:18:41Z

the white blob that covers this screen is too much at times.
the keys on this keyboard are so impersonal.

it seems as if i can never put myself into my words enough.

the comfort i have with her is something new with me. my thoughts most days spill from my head into her hands. and we lay comfortable besides each other.

she wrote of insecurities.. my tired quiet.. things i never say.

for some reason they never come out.
maybe it's because i just can't find words for these thoughts.
maybe it's because i feel like if i actually say what is on my mind, i'll have to admit it's reality.

i can't understand why i'm not over her. i want it to be done with.
i passed her on the street the other day.. and my heart dropped into my gut. i wanted to throw up.

i want to pound on her chest.. scream out why she did this to me.. why she kept me holding on while she moved on... and i'm left.. still holding on to a ghost.

i resent that she doesn't talk to me.

but then... i suppose it's a good thing.. it helps me forget. makes me think it was all in my head.

maybe i just need chaos in my life.

she was my chaos.. and i'm left without that destructive balance.

lilnakdme @ 2006-06-20T09:02:00

2006-06-20T13:03:42Z

so i got bored... and this is more than hilarious.

haw haw haw... mr pooteaahh *pop*

my nephew sean.

lilnakdme @ 2006-06-07T14:40:00

2006-06-07T21:46:01Z

headed back to ohio monday. i'm not gonna say i'll miss the 100 something degree weather at all. I've been sick since i got here. My birthday went okay... i didn't grow horns or anything cool like that. hung out at my mom's, had cake with my dad and went to bed early. I'll be in Salome finishing the plumbing and electrical. yay. too bad i couldn't finish it all. but it's one step closer to being livable. mmmm... livable. k. i can't stop coughing and i miss my fat ugly whore girlfriend. i'm out.

lilnakdme @ 2006-05-04T18:27:00

2006-05-05T01:45:06Z

boredom hit me today.. when i actually started doing work at the office when i wasn't told. I'm headed to Salome saturday for a week or so. so even though it will seem like i'm ignoring everyone... that's not the case. Hopefully i won't go mad from being alone in that house. i think i'll just have to drink myself to sleep every night. At least i know i'll get lots of work done. And i'll have time to read. maybe i'll be regaining a little bit of my sanity. Phoenix is getting me pissed off. Between living with my dad, the heat, and all the other assholes in this state.. i'm getting heart burn on a daily basis. A bike ride sounds nice. I need a hair cut too. Maybe tomorrow morning i'll head to the little barber down the street where my dad usually goes to get his hair cut. i need to work out... the chub's getting worse just sitting here. stupid office.. stupid computer. taking up all my time. haha. It's Lindsey's birthday today. Funny how i can remember that. I don't really think she's up to talking to me though. oh well. hopefully she had a good day. i'm off to do some more work... i gotta do something other than sit here. maybe i can talk my dad into riding bikes to the book store. mmm.. book store. new magazines... climbing magazines and tattoo magazines. mmmmm... pistol whip.

stupid pose

2006-05-04T06:15:27Z

Find your own pose!

lilnakdme @ 2006-05-02T18:36:00

2006-05-03T01:40:12Z

okay.. so i'm horrible at remembering birthdays. yeah... my grandma's birthday's on the 23rd. No wonder no one reminded me. yep. not sure if that makes me a bad grand kid.. or just horrible at remembering birthdays. lumpy's in town.. so i'm outta here to go hang out with her and the b-man.

lilnakdme @ 2006-05-01T14:05:00

2006-05-01T21:15:29Z

It's my grandma's birthday today.. no one bothered reminding me. somehow i remembered myself. I've had a lot of time to think in these past days since i've gotten here. Everyone around me seems so concerned for their future or my own. I have a feeling, me living for today is going to catch up with me eventually. It's about time i get my shit together. I've been considering taking T for a while now. I don't want to be a man. But i'm not exactly a woman either. I'm happy in the middle. I haven't decided on it 100% yet.. but yeah. I'm still doing research on it. what's reversible.. what's not. Maybe i should just be happy with who i am. I suppose i am.. i'm just curious. That and for some reason i'm horribly excited to maybe have a beard. Oh well. I'm headed to Salome this week. more time to think.. to go a little more crazy. i miss home.

lilnakdme @ 2006-04-28T14:20:00

2006-04-28T21:34:04Z

No work, just time. Time to think, to write, to read and ponder. I have dreams sometimes that i question. I wonder if it's just that i'm not comfortable or confident of my thoughts or what. I had a dream odd dream about a friend. Maybe i'm just sexually frustrated. I think so. I love that kristin puts up with me, all of me. my stupid crushes i get, my flightiness, and all my unpleasant habits and smells. i wonder how long before it's not cute anymore. I think it's cause we're so much alike. sometimes it scares me. she makes me weak.. really.. she makes me human.. and i'm comfortable with that, with her.